Keep the "tip"

I'm book binging because it's the weekend and I fucking CAN.

I've completed like three books this weekend (the "like" indicates the fuzziness surrounding some of my activities this weekend because alcohol).  It just occurred to me that I never hear book boyfriends asking to just "stick the tip in." I mean, I know we are deep in fantasy land out here with our erotic romance novels and what not but nobody is trying to stick the tip in? Really?

You know Christian Grey would've been trying to get some tip action when he found out what's her name (it start with an A, it's really horrible, I'm too lazy to look it up etc.) was a virgin.

And what about Gideon from the Crossfire series? His first interaction with Eva involved some very tantalizing tongue swirling but he left with a hard on and didn't even imply he would be up for tip dipping? In what world?

I think I get it though. Sticking the tip in is man code for, "c'mon give me something." To the extent that romance novels emphasize the fantasies of women, who doesn't fantasize about a man who will blow the entire lid off your universe without expecting anything in return? So despite the fact that it might be completely unrealistic, THANK YOU to romance writers for creating men who aren't looking for a "tip."

Vote "no" on the Dry Hand Job

There is an epidemic in erotic romance novels against which we must rise up and say 'no more.' The plague to which I'm referring is the dry hand job and it must be stopped.

How often are you reading an ER novel, going along getting your contact lenses all steamed up when suddenly the heroine reaches into the heroes pants and starts "stroking him from root to tip?" As soon as this happens it's like someone scratched my favorite R&B album that was playing softly in the background. I snap out of my book lust haze and it's like EXCUSE ME MA'AM BUT DID YOU JUST WRAP YOUR DRY PALM AROUND THAT MAN'S PENIS?

Do you know any men? Ask one how he feels about the thought of your dry palm wrapped around his dick. I'm guessing his response will be somewhere between a frown and a "bitch are you serious?" Depending on the nature of your relationship.

Why are romance authors afraid of lubrication?  Lubrication makes the world go round. Without lubrication doors would creek, your car engine would die, your lips would be chap etc. Lubrication is our friend.

You would think authors who specialize in lines like "she's so wet" (how many times have you read that?) would be comfortable with the concept that moisture is good. I can only assume that every time they get ready to write a line about the heroine spitting on her palm, auto correct for ER authors kicks in and deletes that shit. Whatever the issue is, the problem is getting worse. I just read a book where the guy was not only getting off on a dry hand job but a dry hand job through some blue jeans. I was like, 'OH C'MON,'that's like enjoying a Popsicle while you eat it through the wrapper. 

I have no problem suspending disbelief for the sake of romance reading but I can only take so many dry hand jobs. Who will volunteer as tribute to depict a female heroine who isn't scared of a little pre-hand job spit? We will be your sponsors during the game and send you free shit so you don't die.  Just help us to help you.

What? What? STFU: When Your Book Boyfriend Talks You Dry

Disclaimer: The name of the male Hero has been changed to "Dirk" and the heroine to "Sierra" to protect the identity of the author.  This is a critical commentary but since I really loved the book which it's about, I don't want the whole book judged by this commentary.  And no, I don't trust ya'll to know the name of the book and not to judge it so I'm not telling you (unless you ask really nice...with candy).

Now, let's get down to business:

I recently read and reviewed a book which I gave five well deserved stars.  Rating aside, there were sex scenes in the book that made me feel like Sierra was being studied rather than fu-ked by Dirk.

Exhibit A: In one passage Sierra is making sex noises (use your imagination people, work it out) while Dirk licks her up like a popsicle (or whatever).  Things were going well.  I had dimmed the lights in the room, taken out my hair tie and I was just getting ready to see if my husband was still awake when Dirk speaks: 

"I love those little sounds you're making...I need to hear them louder. Can you make them louder for me?"

In another scene Dirk says:

"Yes, that feels good, doesn't it? Can you let me know how good it feels."

In the book, that I haven't written, Sierra would have been like "DirkDirkDirkDirkDirkDirk, I'm going to need you to shut thee eff up."

Women are auditory creatures, that's why we like to talk. That's why we like to hear you talk (sometimes).  What a lover says helps us to visualize which increases our arousal.  When a man is talking like we're in a research laboratory where he is running clinical trials on our libido, our minds can wonder to the last time we were at the doctor's office.  Before you know it, your lace undies are a paper towel "gown" and your lover's penis is a rubber glove covered probing finger AND things are as dry as the Sahara.

Keep it sexy or keep it quiet (which is also unsexy). Use the fu-k words and if you don't know what those words are, please don't list your books under anybody's "erotic" category.  I personally hate euphemisms but I will take a reference to my "aching bud" any day over the doctor's office shit.

Well hell, I forgot I was writing about mistakes authors make and had a flashback to Tony from college.  Anyhoo, authors, do better.

If I wanted to struggle, I could do it in real life (Fall by Cora Brent: Commentary)

I consume romance novels (of the erotic and contemporary variety) like I used to consume Ramen noodles in my college days.

[Sidebar: I hated Ramen and never ate that ish but it was the most appropriate cultural reference so I went ahead and took creative license with reality there].

There are probably many different reasons for my appreciation of romance the majority of which I lack the sort of insight into my personal psyche to discern.  What I know for sure is that the world of romance is a world of fantasy that provides a delightful escape from the harsh light of reality. In romance, the dicks are bigger, the orgasms are certain and love is forever, what more could a girl ask for?  Ah, yes- money! And lots of it.  After hopping off of an epic schlong that you just rode until you came unicorns and fairy dust, the only thing you need to complete your night is FINANICAL SECURITY.

What fun is it to fall madly in love if the next thing you know you’re dining on beef jerky and saltines? Financial instability is one of the number one causes of divorce in real life.  In fantasy romance world, there are few things that can make me dump a book faster than two broke characters.  That brings me to my review of Fall by Cora Brent.  If you want to read the full review, click here: LJ Amazon Review

I’m not a snob.  I’m not rich enough to be a snob.  In the spirit of full disclosure, I’m also not broke…anymore (college was rough).  That’s kind of the point though.  I don’t need to fantasize about what I am or what I’ve been.  No, fantasy was meant to be the barely attainable vision.  The thing that is wonderful about fantasy is the possibility of the thing.  The possibility of shacking up with a guy inside of his crappy trailer where the only furniture is one chair doesn’t do anything for my romance novel libido. It’s not fantastic, it is catastrophic.

So any review you read by me is always going to be biased against a novel that doesn’t include a reasonably wealthy Hero.  That’s just how I roll. 

It's like when you have to pee really bad: February Book Releases

You know how you hop from foot to foot and try not to think about waterfalls when you really need to go to the bathroom? Well if you subtract the hopping from foot to foot and avoidance of waterfall thoughts, that's how I feel about all the February book releases coming up. I can't wait!


Rebel by Callie Hart: February 9- this is the 7th installment in the Blood & Roses Series that began with the Zeth and Sloan story. If you have not read the first 6 installments of the BR series, Ima have to treat you like the girl in school who was surreptitiously rotating her finger between her nose and her mouth. I'm not going to go into all the details of the first six books but you can find my Amazon review here: LJ BR 1-6 Amazon Review


In the event that you're not in the mood for link clicking, Zeth and Sloan's story might be my favorite of the erotic romance action/suspense genre. In fact, I'm sure it's my favorite series. Zeth is a alpha sociopath who knows what to do with a popsicle (ya gotta read it). Sloan is a smart heroine who still managed to ride for her man no matter what. Sloan and Zeth are trying to get Sloan's sister Alexa back after she was sold as a sex slave and mayhem, killing fires and panty incinerating sex ensues. That brings us to Rebel. Rebel is the story of said kidnapped sister and the president of the most powerful MC who purchased Alexa. If Rebel is just a quarter as good as the first six BR books, I'm all in. You know I'll spill all the book tea as soon as I can work my speed reader magic and devour the story. Needless to say, I canNot wait.


Obligation by Aurora Rose Reynolds: February 11- I'm not quite as 'need to pee' about this book. Actually, I'm not sure I need to use the bathroom at all thinking about this book. This is Reynolds' second installment in her "Underground Kings" series. The fist installment, Assumption, left me feeling like I could have had a V8. It had the potential to be good. The main characters were hot. Kenton was just the brand of brooding/possessive that cooks my grits and what's her face wasn't a total idiot/pushover so I was prepared to be wowed. And then I wasn't. The book fell into the very common pitfall of undeveloped relationships. It was one of those books where you get to the end and you canNOT figure out what the two main characters have in common beyond sex. HOWEVER, Aurora wrote the "Until" series and notwithstanding Unitl Nico, I ate that series up (although, all the books in the series felt a bit rushed in terms of the relationship development. See my review of Unitl November here: LJ Until November Amazon Review ). So I'm going to take a leap of faith and see whether Aurora can remind me of why I've spent a quarter of a hundred dollars on her books so far.


Slow Burn by K.Bromberg: February 24- K. Bromberg is the author of The Driven Series featuring Colton and Rylee. Again, if you haven't read that series, please log off immediately and head to the nearest bookstore or pull out your Kindle and GET YOUR LIFE TOGETHER. If I bit my nails, I would be chewing the fuck out of them waiting for Slow Burn. As excited as I am to read it (I've already taken the day off work...because that's how I roll), there is a potential for disaster. When the Driven Series came out, K. Bromberg was an independent writer who produced a great love story. Now K. Bromberg is a super duper-everybody's damn list-bestseller. She has a publishing company which comes with editors, page requirements and deadlines. All of that shit can make your writing...less than stellar. So right now, we need to join hands and rebuke the "commercial effect" and pray that we can once again bask in the erotic glory of the Driven Series. Whatever the case may be, I'm giving this 5 out of 5 stars on the need to pee excitement list.

I was pregnant once, I was 20 once but I don’t remember any of this shit… [Enjoy Your Stay: Sugartown #2 (Greetings from Sugartown)]

 I recently finished reading Enjoy Your Stay: Sugartown #2 (Greetings from Sugartown) by Carmen Jones.  Let me just be the first to say that after reading that book title I have a feeling similar to what I used to get when I worked out for like two minutes and had to wrap a towel around my neck, chug down a bottle of water and lay down dramatically on a gym mat for 5 minutes to recover.  That title is just exhausting so for the purpose of this entry, we’re just going to call the book Sugar 2.  You’re welcome.

I like Carmen Jones as an author.  The first book I read by her was Kick, it had a much different vibe than Sugar 2 but the writing was good enough that I decided to explore some other Carmen Jones material.

I learned an important lesson about myself about half way through Sugar 2. Somewhere along the way in life, I grew up.  As fucked up as that is, it’s my new reality, I’m grown.  The first downside to being a grown ass woman is my ridiculously limited capacity to be entertained by youthful melodrama.  Don’t get me wrong, I’ve read several books with extremely young heroines (we need a whole separate blog post to discuss that phenomenon) but depending on the plot and writing style of the author, we can often and mercifully forget that the characters are barely out of high school.  Not the case in Sugar 2.

I forgot, but apparently Carmen Jones didn’t, that when you’re 20, you never say what you mean and a 20 year old man never knows what he means.  So if you write a book about the relationship between two characters in this age range and you actually care about an accurate depiction, you have pages and pages of arguing where nobody is saying what they mean.  How do we know this? Because we as the readers have the unfortunate pleasure of being privy to the thoughts of the characters as well as their dialogue.  I swear, I had a migraine the size of Alaska by the time this book was nearing the finish.

It’s not that Sugar 2 isn’t well written, but being trapped inside the mind of a 20 year old pregnant chick, her boyfriend, and baby daddy is a nightmare of 16 & Pregnant proportions. 

Read my full review here :

LJ Sugar 2 Review