Disclaimer: The name of the male Hero has been changed to "Dirk" and the heroine to "Sierra" to protect the identity of the author. This is a critical commentary but since I really loved the book which it's about, I don't want the whole book judged by this commentary. And no, I don't trust ya'll to know the name of the book and not to judge it so I'm not telling you (unless you ask really nice...with candy).
Now, let's get down to business:
I recently read and reviewed a book which I gave five well deserved stars. Rating aside, there were sex scenes in the book that made me feel like Sierra was being studied rather than fu-ked by Dirk.
Exhibit A: In one passage Sierra is making sex noises (use your imagination people, work it out) while Dirk licks her up like a popsicle (or whatever). Things were going well. I had dimmed the lights in the room, taken out my hair tie and I was just getting ready to see if my husband was still awake when Dirk speaks:
"I love those little sounds you're making...I need to hear them louder. Can you make them louder for me?"
In another scene Dirk says:
"Yes, that feels good, doesn't it? Can you let me know how good it feels."
In the book, that I haven't written, Sierra would have been like "DirkDirkDirkDirkDirkDirk, I'm going to need you to shut thee eff up."
Women are auditory creatures, that's why we like to talk. That's why we like to hear you talk (sometimes). What a lover says helps us to visualize which increases our arousal. When a man is talking like we're in a research laboratory where he is running clinical trials on our libido, our minds can wonder to the last time we were at the doctor's office. Before you know it, your lace undies are a paper towel "gown" and your lover's penis is a rubber glove covered probing finger AND things are as dry as the Sahara.
Keep it sexy or keep it quiet (which is also unsexy). Use the fu-k words and if you don't know what those words are, please don't list your books under anybody's "erotic" category. I personally hate euphemisms but I will take a reference to my "aching bud" any day over the doctor's office shit.
Well hell, I forgot I was writing about mistakes authors make and had a flashback to Tony from college. Anyhoo, authors, do better.
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