Keep the "tip"

I'm book binging because it's the weekend and I fucking CAN.

I've completed like three books this weekend (the "like" indicates the fuzziness surrounding some of my activities this weekend because alcohol).  It just occurred to me that I never hear book boyfriends asking to just "stick the tip in." I mean, I know we are deep in fantasy land out here with our erotic romance novels and what not but nobody is trying to stick the tip in? Really?

You know Christian Grey would've been trying to get some tip action when he found out what's her name (it start with an A, it's really horrible, I'm too lazy to look it up etc.) was a virgin.

And what about Gideon from the Crossfire series? His first interaction with Eva involved some very tantalizing tongue swirling but he left with a hard on and didn't even imply he would be up for tip dipping? In what world?

I think I get it though. Sticking the tip in is man code for, "c'mon give me something." To the extent that romance novels emphasize the fantasies of women, who doesn't fantasize about a man who will blow the entire lid off your universe without expecting anything in return? So despite the fact that it might be completely unrealistic, THANK YOU to romance writers for creating men who aren't looking for a "tip."

Vote "no" on the Dry Hand Job

There is an epidemic in erotic romance novels against which we must rise up and say 'no more.' The plague to which I'm referring is the dry hand job and it must be stopped.

How often are you reading an ER novel, going along getting your contact lenses all steamed up when suddenly the heroine reaches into the heroes pants and starts "stroking him from root to tip?" As soon as this happens it's like someone scratched my favorite R&B album that was playing softly in the background. I snap out of my book lust haze and it's like EXCUSE ME MA'AM BUT DID YOU JUST WRAP YOUR DRY PALM AROUND THAT MAN'S PENIS?

Do you know any men? Ask one how he feels about the thought of your dry palm wrapped around his dick. I'm guessing his response will be somewhere between a frown and a "bitch are you serious?" Depending on the nature of your relationship.

Why are romance authors afraid of lubrication?  Lubrication makes the world go round. Without lubrication doors would creek, your car engine would die, your lips would be chap etc. Lubrication is our friend.

You would think authors who specialize in lines like "she's so wet" (how many times have you read that?) would be comfortable with the concept that moisture is good. I can only assume that every time they get ready to write a line about the heroine spitting on her palm, auto correct for ER authors kicks in and deletes that shit. Whatever the issue is, the problem is getting worse. I just read a book where the guy was not only getting off on a dry hand job but a dry hand job through some blue jeans. I was like, 'OH C'MON,'that's like enjoying a Popsicle while you eat it through the wrapper. 

I have no problem suspending disbelief for the sake of romance reading but I can only take so many dry hand jobs. Who will volunteer as tribute to depict a female heroine who isn't scared of a little pre-hand job spit? We will be your sponsors during the game and send you free shit so you don't die.  Just help us to help you.

What? What? STFU: When Your Book Boyfriend Talks You Dry

Disclaimer: The name of the male Hero has been changed to "Dirk" and the heroine to "Sierra" to protect the identity of the author.  This is a critical commentary but since I really loved the book which it's about, I don't want the whole book judged by this commentary.  And no, I don't trust ya'll to know the name of the book and not to judge it so I'm not telling you (unless you ask really nice...with candy).

Now, let's get down to business:

I recently read and reviewed a book which I gave five well deserved stars.  Rating aside, there were sex scenes in the book that made me feel like Sierra was being studied rather than fu-ked by Dirk.

Exhibit A: In one passage Sierra is making sex noises (use your imagination people, work it out) while Dirk licks her up like a popsicle (or whatever).  Things were going well.  I had dimmed the lights in the room, taken out my hair tie and I was just getting ready to see if my husband was still awake when Dirk speaks: 

"I love those little sounds you're making...I need to hear them louder. Can you make them louder for me?"

In another scene Dirk says:

"Yes, that feels good, doesn't it? Can you let me know how good it feels."

In the book, that I haven't written, Sierra would have been like "DirkDirkDirkDirkDirkDirk, I'm going to need you to shut thee eff up."

Women are auditory creatures, that's why we like to talk. That's why we like to hear you talk (sometimes).  What a lover says helps us to visualize which increases our arousal.  When a man is talking like we're in a research laboratory where he is running clinical trials on our libido, our minds can wonder to the last time we were at the doctor's office.  Before you know it, your lace undies are a paper towel "gown" and your lover's penis is a rubber glove covered probing finger AND things are as dry as the Sahara.

Keep it sexy or keep it quiet (which is also unsexy). Use the fu-k words and if you don't know what those words are, please don't list your books under anybody's "erotic" category.  I personally hate euphemisms but I will take a reference to my "aching bud" any day over the doctor's office shit.

Well hell, I forgot I was writing about mistakes authors make and had a flashback to Tony from college.  Anyhoo, authors, do better.